Rock bottom

I've hit it.

I decided not to act on the crush so give me some credit for that at least. Now I am in saving my sanity mode which requirement was brought to my attention last night and this morning, last night I just kept thinking "I quit". I cooked dinner but yesterday I had both the kids at home (Angel boy, 4.5 yrs old and Pixie girl 13 months), Angel boy has tonsillitis and so spent 2 days on the couch, in my bed and wherever he felt like laying down and watching TV, he got cuddles and rides in the pram since he wasn't feeling well enough to walk, I got up every 5 minutes throughout the night to get him drinks, I stuffed him with multivitamins, penicillin and pain killers, took his temperature every 15 minutes and silently howled when it was above normal by half a degree (that's a lot of howling!).

So, yesterday, he shit my bed, give the poor kid credit, he thought it was a fart and with everything going on in his little system right now, well, I guess I'm not surprised, and he tried to clean it up by himself until I caught him, got him cleaned up and then I fixed the bed. He's sweet my little man. His sister had a royal shit, that went everywhere. So, I spent my day elbow deep in the stuff. Yay me.

Velvet gets home and since I'm not talking to him this week he looked at me warily and asked softly how my day was. So I told him, I cleaned up shit all day and then I cooked (in my best fuck off voice). He quietly tip toed through the war zone that was our lounge room and I poured my first bourbon. *sigh* from that moment, he folded washing (I asked him to since was sitting in front of it watching TV and I was going out to get some more toilet paper), he bathed the kids and he fed Pixie girl and he cleaned up the kitchen.

I know you're thinking I should be grateful but sorry, just as fucking well was my thought! If I wanted to be a single mum, I wouldn't need him would I? And one reason why I am not talking to him is his comment a few weeks ago about babysitting the kids while I was at the gym. THEY'RE HIS KIDS TOO! You don't baby-sit your own kids.

Yes, he was at work all day, I was running around after 2 kids, so, if anyone says he deserves a rest when he gets home I'll have to kill them, I, too, deserve a rest but unlike him leaving work, I already am home.

I still don't have a job and bloody hell, I need one. I'm going mental.

The thing that happened this morning was; I left my hand holding a bowl full of soggy weetbix near enough to Pixie girls foot that she could kick it, all over the carpet. I lost it. I had been asking Angel boy to get dressed and eat his breakfast for 45 minutes, I had just wrestled with Pixie girl and her epic shit (all the way up her back this time, you'd think her nappy is changed every 24 hours the way she fills it!) and I was fast losing my normal sweet and even temper. Well, the weetbix went everywhere and so did my sanity, I think I saw it split. I swore, in front of my babies, I swore long, loud and with enough feeling that I could have made a wharfie blush.

I knew then that I better make a concerted effort in finding a new job. The rejections have been tough this week but I have to keep picking myself back up and moving on again.

My poor family, having to deal with me while I'm not working, I can't imagine it's easy on them either.

We have yet another fun filled weekend planned, dinner with friends tonight, swimming tomorrow and I'm not sure what else. Frankly, I don't care, I just wish Velvet would open his mouth and start a conversation with me that doesn't include "how was your day" "Mine was normal" or any other trite, I'm having a conversation with someone I don't know every well to be polite kind of starter. I'm tired of starting all the conversations that talk about "stuff", you know, stuff, how things are, how he feels, how I feel, our opinions on things. The conversations we had back in the day when he wanted to impress me. Mind you, if he shaved every day and showered on weekends again I'd be damn impressed!